Saturday, July 5, 2008

Fleeting Hours and Ghosts

One of the most difficult things I wrestle with is trusting that "things happen for a reason", and that things usually turn out better than we could have hoped when they don't go according to "plan". Combine this with the fact that I am an impatient and driven person, and you might then understand why I'm so drawn to yoga--especially Kundalini, which isn't about "serenity" as much as it is about catharsis through sweat and pushing physical limits. It is the oldest form of yoga, and everything we consider "yoga" in our modern society is born from that original form.

I had a point, but I'm not going to bother making it. It's irrelevant. Let's just say that I am struggling with the passivity of "trusting' the "process" and my highly motivated-cut-a-square-hole-to-fit-the-peg mentality.

Speaking of plans, I'm off work the next few days. It's a treat to spend unstructured, unplanned time with the kids. Ian suggested this morning that it was "a perfect day to see a mov--" and before he could finish I 'shushed' him. We have plans tonight with family. That's enough. I'll take them to see a movie this week. Not today. Today they are wrecking the house with toys, running around with capes, eating chocolate and reading comic books. I'm laying on the couch reading magazines and watching Avatar. Sheer, delightful donothingness. I love it.

Tonight we head out to spend a picnic-y night in Madison with extended family and tea-sandwiches. Then it's back to reality for a few days of our own little summer camp. Summer already feels like it's going by too quickly. Everything feels fleeting. I feel like I'm running out of time, and I don't know why. It's as if somewhere a great big life clock is running down. I wish I could lock up the gears for just a day. Then maybe everything will fall into place, or at least I can catch my breath and find it a little easier to trust everything, especially myself.

Gotta go. Nolan just made up a game called "Ghost and the Police". I've been handed a "gun" and told that Sean is going to turn me into a zombie.

Happy Saturday!


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