Monday, April 27, 2009

16 days

Today was hard.

The weather was beautiful. The services were beautiful. The burial was so emotional. Throughout the day I was alternately sobbing and at peace with it all. Afterward, we didn't stick around long at the reception. I drove, and I was ready early on to just go home and be kind of quiet here on the front porch.

The last 16 days have been a full circle for me in some ways, literally coming face-to-face with some long-standing fears, anxieties, memories, emotion, and even people who had been sidelined along the way. I made it through. I dove headfirst into it and made it through. Sometimes it was the tight hugs from friends that saw me through; other times it was the silence, alone in the house; and today, in prayer, leaning against Ian's sturdy shoulder at the cemetery, I was reminded that the process of grief doesn't end. You don't "get over" someone dying. You just accept their death. I made it through because there was no other way to get around it, except right through the center of it.

I'm ready to accept this. I wish I didn't have to be. I wish I wasn't missing Patrick, but I do. Everyone who knew him, misses him in their way. Each one of us had a relationship with him as unique as the next. And now that part of the story is over. Life goes on, though. Today is a beautiful day. Ian and I are going to bring the dogs for a walk up the street to the boys' school in a few minutes for the afternoon pick-up. Then....who knows? Maybe tonight we'll take them out for ice cream.



julieb said...

I'm sorry for your sadness. now you have another angel watching over you :)

Milk Money said...

Thanks, Julie. I still find myself thinking, "Oh, I have to tell Patrick that!", only to remember he's gone. Funny, since all I've been thinking about is how he's gone.

Pam and I miss you, FYI. xo

julieb said...

i miss you both also. my marriage exploded. my husband stumbled about a lot of emails between me and another guy(from arizona)they were bad bad bad.
also today,owen broke his collar bone. i could have really used your words of wisdom this month.

Milk Money said...

Crap!!! :o( Crap, crap, crap. I've been there. It's ugly. It's also totally survivable.

Words of wisdom? I don't know that I ever have them. I can tell you this, though, you are a devoted and loving mom. Take care of yourself, take care of those boys (broken clavacles aside), and everything else will fall into place. It might not be what you had ever envisioned, but if those kids know you love them and that they can count on you to be the stable force in their lives (even if you fake it and then break down when they're in bed), they're going to be okay. So will you.

Lots of love for you. xoxo

julieb said...

we need to get our little jedis together soon