Today was hard.
The weather was beautiful. The services were beautiful. The burial was so emotional. Throughout the day I was alternately sobbing and at peace with it all. Afterward, we didn't stick around long at the reception. I drove, and I was ready early on to just go home and be kind of quiet here on the front porch.
The last 16 days have been a full circle for me in some ways, literally coming face-to-face with some long-standing fears, anxieties, memories, emotion, and even people who had been sidelined along the way. I made it through. I dove headfirst into it and made it through. Sometimes it was the tight hugs from friends that saw me through; other times it was the silence, alone in the house; and today, in prayer, leaning against Ian's sturdy shoulder at the cemetery, I was reminded that the process of grief doesn't end. You don't "get over" someone dying. You just accept their death. I made it through because there was no other way to get around it, except right through the center of it.
I'm ready to accept this. I wish I didn't have to be. I wish I wasn't missing Patrick, but I do. Everyone who knew him, misses him in their way. Each one of us had a relationship with him as unique as the next. And now that part of the story is over. Life goes on, though. Today is a beautiful day. Ian and I are going to bring the dogs for a walk up the street to the boys' school in a few minutes for the afternoon pick-up. Then....who knows? Maybe tonight we'll take them out for ice cream.