Well that's it. Ian & I tied a triple knot on the 21st. It's a done deal. And what a long, crazy road it was to get there.
I think of all the times I used to see Ian before we dated--before I was even separated, let alone divorced. The times in the park when Nolan was just a year old were probably the ones I remember most. Hot summer days when I spent many perfect hours doing nothing but picking petals off flowers and running around with my little boys and their best friends on the playground.
Ian would always be there, it seemed, out of the corner of my eye somewhere walking the dogs. He always threw a wave my way. And on the occasional night I escaped from the house for a drink at (where else?) Rudy's with (who else?)Renee, he would always serve me up a water between beers. I never had to ask. We would talk about movies and music, our conversation bleeding into the edges of all the conversations he has with drunk New Haveners while working behind the bar.
Time is such a strange thing. I like to think that some day, when we pass through this dimension into the next and realize that we really and truly are spiritual beings having a human experience and not vice-versa, we'll finally understand the insignificance of time. It's all relative. It must be. If I look back on the past 36 years
holy crap! 36 years!
of my life--and looking back is something I try not to do too often--I see that so many moments paralelled those of others who came along. Close friends I now have were always right there outside the circle, an ex-boyfriend turned out to be the cousin of my childhood best friend, an estranged relative spent summers at the same beach club as I, and so on. At the risk of sounding like a complete flake, I believe that we really are all connected. In New Haven, it's less than six degrees of separation. In fact, you're lucky if it's more than two.
My point? I don't know. My point is, I guess, that this crazy trip we're all on is full of some pretty wacky adventures and lots of heartbreak, and we're all on it together. But what we sometimes fail to notice is that it's full of a lot more love than hurt. We only have to be willing to see it. I forget who said, "You cannot make someone love you, but you can let yourself be loved", but that phrase has been a favorite of mine for some time now. I have let myself be loved--really be loved!--finally. And lo and behold, I can return the favor. Who knew? Certainly not me, when I was in the park playing hide-n-seek and looking in all the wrong places for Ian, who had been right in front of me all along.
I heard this on the radio yesterday. Sometimes a song that has been played to death still sounds good when you haven't heard it in a while. This one sure did, even if Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore kind of ruined it for a while:
Happy Wednesday. :o)